That’s the question I find myself asking again and again of clients and friends…
and me, too, much more often than I’d like to admit.
Is “making do” your MO… especially in the bedroom?
We say you’re waiting for the right moment
…or the right words
…or the right mood
to somehow ask for what would really work…
what would really feel g o o d.
But that moment just doesn’t seem to come.
What’s up with this weird voicelessness we still tolerate
… especially in sex?!
This summer I’ve been fascinated by how my feminine-essenced clients and those who are more masculine struggle to communicate… or just don’t.
And I’m shocked by what I’m discovering…
On so many fronts women speak out for what’s right,
stand up for others,
risk conflict or worse to let our voice be heard.
But if you’re like millions of other sexually-confident women
it’s hardest to COMMUNICATE about what’s most intimate…
and especially what’s not working so well.
So women make do with a mediocre (or worse) sex life
or search from partner to partner,
hoping to find one that finally gets how to please us…
without us needing to say a word.
Here’s the really sad news..
Making do is why WAY TOO MANY WOMEN – by middle age –
give up on sex altogether.
It’s just not good enough to bother!
(Or we despair that there’s no one out there worth the effort.)
So we make do with substitute pleasures anywhere we can find them.
Let’s see… the refrigerator? Facebook? Pinot Grigio? Amazon?
And if you do have someone to share your bed,
Making do can feel like this crazy either / or conundrum …
Do I make do as a people-pleasing compliant, eventually dis-interested wifey
should I just give up and leave in frustration.
All because there just doesn’t seem to be a way to bridge
the arousal and communication gap.
WHAT TO DO?
First, take a breath…
I know, it’s a lot.
When I began writing this blog, it seemed simple enough.
Lay out the problem and offer a few suggestions I’ve seen work.
But it’s now 10 days later.
This is far more fascinating and complicated than I’d imagined.
So there will be a sequel… or two.
But for now, let’s start right where many of us are.
Last week my client Kristin put it this way…
“I don’t want to seem demanding
or worse, needy!!!
or emasculate him
or hurt his feelings by making him feel like he’s not doing it right.
We’ve been through this so many times!
I’m pissed off, hurt, disappointed…
And I feel like I’m going crazy,”
Of course she eventually looses it in frustration.
She can’t stand this man she hopes she still loves
and melts down into the raving bitch she hates in herself.
Then leaving sounds like a huge relief!
All because these two are at a loss for how to skillfully communicate about what works best for each of them.
Why is this SO HARD!?!
Here’s the first onion layer of why I (and maybe you, too) have been known to make do. Then I’ll share a few solutions I’ve discovered over the years.
When we love someone, we love to make them happy. It feels sweet!
But confrontation doesn’t.
Why rock the boat by being difficult?, we might think.
Estrogen makes feminine-essenced people naturally connection-oriented and conflict-averse.
Without it, humans wouldn’t have survived as a species!
So women learned to compromise our own desires and take care of everyone else’s needs.
But in the process we can lose track completely of our own.
So often I’ve heard the lament, “I don’t really even know what I want anymore.”
Then, like Kristin, we feel lost and confused.
Playing pleasing wifey clearly hasn’t brought the happiness it promised.
But the bitch isn’t that appealing, either!
So it’s time to step away and get some clarity.
Time for a little triage…
Time to make your own pleasure important again.
Are you ready for today’s challenge?
We’ll get to the bedroom by Thursday’s blog.
But for today, first things first!
How much pleasure can you allow yourself to receive from the smallest of the day’s delights?
Seems too simple, right?
But don’t be fooled.
This is real research.
And it can change your vision forever.
What’s there, just waiting for you to notice it…
waiting to bring you a moment or two of pleasure.
It could be something as simple as the blue sky,
or the clouds.
Or how good it feels to have your hands in warm sudsy water,
or the intricate scent tones of your morning coffee.
Can you allow yourself 10 seconds to really take in that joy?
What is here in your life already, just waiting to please you?
If you spend the next few days committed to coming back to your pleasure in a determined way, you will find it much easier (and more fun) to allow yourself permission to be more fully pleasured in the bedroom.
This is a skill, Dear Friends.
And likely one you weren’t taught in school.
You might even put up a few stickies on the kitchen cupboard doors
or the bathroom mirror to remind yourself.
Enjoy our little experiment… and share below how it’s going.
What are you noticing?
Ok… I’ll be back on Thursday
with a few juicy facts about arousal differences and why we (ok, I) have so easily fallen back into making do instead of making my own pleasure as valuable as my partner’s.